Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
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Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous
Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.
how much does a mortician urn in a year
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT
My mom is helping me hang a painting and we don’t have a hammer so she used my cast iron pan to whack the nail into the wall and I’m pretty sure my neighbors think someone’s murdering their husband. I’m not correcting them.
got my gf a manicure for our anniversary
Romeo and Juliet is not a love story. It’s a 3-day relationship between a 13-year-old and a 17-year-old that cause 6 deaths.
Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.
Me *tearing up as my bride walks down the aisle on our wedding day*
Priest:
Me:
Priest: Look she might come back
I overheard 16 tell 12 to come wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. Her response, “I’ve been doing it for 11 years, I think I deserve a break.”
So….guess who has dishes duty today!? And I’m going to use EVERY damn cup, plate and silverware in this house.
Sweet. Free refrigerators!
Witness: … she said it, exactly so… verbatim.
Judge: *checks notes* Who the heck is Verb and who did he eat?!
Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.
“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa dept]
Him: It’s like people are going feral.
Me: *looks in mirror*
*tries to run fingers through my hair*
*hand gets stuck in rat’s nest*
*flicks ham off my shirt*
*takes deep breath*
*straightens shoulders*
*lifts chin*It’s finally my time to shine. I shall be their leader.
Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
Have learned that my fully potty trained 3yo has been telling her teacher every day that she’s had an accident so that she can change out of her uniform and into her (non-uniform) backup clothes. She’s outsmarted us all. She’s a little velociraptor.
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.
Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
Him: *hands me glass of clear liquid* Is this glass half full or half empty?
Me: Is that water or vodka?
Him: Vodka.
Me: Empty.
Day 27 without sports:
Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.
There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.
Tastes victory
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!
We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet