[Mugshot photographer]
Me: now lets do a silly one
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Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.
I got a Father’s Day card from my son that says ‘You’re one of my favourite parents’ so yeah, I’m really nailing this dad thing.
work smarter, not harder
Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.
You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.
Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.
Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?
Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist that experimented with cadavers.
His name was Frank
Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.
Me: She is going to be exhausted.
Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate.
I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that’s iffy
my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her
Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.
if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
“911, what is your emergency?”
Yes I can’t hear my television
“Sir, this is not an emer-”
Someone keeps screaming “HELP ME!!” next door
Hey I worked for it too!
If by ‘the Hamptons’ you mean ‘my pajamas’, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.
I cleaned out* the fridge last night** and I feel so much better about myself***.
*raided
**five minutes ago
***like a balloon about to pop
my husband just committed the cardinal sin of asking my kid what she wants for Christmas so does anyone know where I can get a kids drum set at 6pm on Christmas Eve?
I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves
mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
UK: Hey u ok
USA: What
UK: I saw what happened
USA: Im fine, nothing happened
Canada: Hey I know what I said before but you can’t stay over
When my kids were younger, I told them that the candy at the checkout counter was fake. Then we would laugh at the people buying “fake candy.”
My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.