That face-melting Nazi guy in ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ but it’s just my makeup the second I step outside in the summer.
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I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.
New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem
I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.
The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.
Me: Come on eat that.
Miss 10: I don’t want it, it makes me want to throw up.
[Sees my face].
10: In a good way.
WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.
Spam popsicles.
*follow for more recipes
Pharmaceutical ads really be like “HEY is your doctor an IDIOT? suggest this drug to them bc they’re probably so DUMB they haven’t even THOUGHT of it YET”
“What’s wrong with our country?”
OBAMA!
“Who are we going to reelect in 2012?”
OBAMA!
My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.
One arm at a time.
I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.
Apparently they are called children.
[Audition for the musical Cats]
Director: Act like a cat for me
Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you
Director: Perfect
I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.
“the names bond, james bond”
[5 min later]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple
*gets taste of own medicine*
Yep this is my medicine
oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer
I often walk through a little park where people walk their dogs. Yesterday I saw somebody walking their tortoise. The funny thing is LA dogs are so small I’m pretty sure that reptile could win in a fight.
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.
Also me: Oh shit that was today.
You: Alexa, should I worry about being spied on by balloons?
Alexa: Yes, it’s definitely the balloons.
Me: Are you still wearing pajamas? Go change.
4yo: *Goes upstairs
*Comes down wearing different pair of pajamas
Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option
That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.
WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake
ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please
[clenching fists] “I’ll fight someone”
Waiter: For the last time sir, ‘cheese plate’ describes the items on the plate not the plate itself
I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.
My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.
*First day as a missing person*
Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.