Coffee: Because when you’re groggy and barely coherent, the first thing you should do is handle a scalding hot cup of liquid.
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My kid: Why are you always TALKING and asking me to do stuff.
My husband: Get used to it kid.
Me to my husband: I knew you could hear me.
[Worm sitting alone]
WAITER: Dinner for 1?
Dumb question
W: But-
*worm cuts self in half*
*waiter shrieks*
2nd WORM: I’ll have the prime rib
Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat
WIFE: I just read that men are five times more likely to be struck by lightning than women.
ME *on the roof in my He-Man costume with my sword* BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL WHAT HONEY?
this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!
stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80
me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80
Remembering the time the hubs and I bought a bunch of candy for Halloween but no kids came to our door so we just drove around town begging kids to come get it from our car….Probably coulda used another brainstorming sesh on that one
*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?
It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…
Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.
bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies
drummer: “just add er on the end of your instrument”
guy who plays trumpet: “so im a trumpeter, ok cool”
guy who plays trombone: “oh no”
The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?
Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news
BOSS: I want that report on my desk by friday
[1 a.m. thursday night]
ME (typing frantically): the surface is smooth, polished mahogany. top left drawer sticks a bit. corner is a little chipped
hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park
Grocery prices are so bad I could only afford “some purpose” flour.
Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*
hate those people that go 15+ years without talking to you and then the first thing they say when they see you is “hows your mom?” like, dude,, youre my dad, you should know
Basketball games are very squeaky.
I read a news article about a guy who bought a golden egg for $13k that turned out to be a Faberge egg worth $33 mil. Those kinds of lucky stories would never happen to me. There will never be a news story that says “Man finds lost Rembrandt painting inside bag of Doritos”.
I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.
Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.