what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings
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girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death
Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.
I was going to eat a healthy snack, then I remembered that time when Eve ate an apple. Figured, it’s better not risk it.
my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…
As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.
there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them
“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out
Stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”.
I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.
MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again
Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.
Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.
Me : Correct.
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
If you marry someone a few years older, one thing they love is when any classic rock song comes on and you ask “Is this Led Zeppelin?”
me: what are you going to be when you grow up?
5: beautiful.
I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
Me: I love you
7yo: I love you too
Me: l love you to infinity
7yo: I love you to infinity too
Me: l love you more than ice cream
7yo:
7yo: what flavor?
Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?
My teen would like you to know I ruined her life when I did her laundry today.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.
I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
GUY: *busts in bleeding* i owe money to some bad dudes you gotta help me
ME: *proudly reaches down and pulls the pennies out of my loafers* you’ve come to the right place
While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view
me; I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content
-WTF
-OMG
-Huh
-FAIL
-LOL
-NOPE
-why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter
When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?
Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water
Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist