[at Doctor’s office]
“When’s the last time you had sex?”
Last night.
“With a male or female?”
Oh…with another person?
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Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.
AM I BEING GASLIT????
When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.
If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.
You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.
old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia
[Baseball game]
ME: [giggle] I love how they named the positions in the game after the bases of sex
HIM: What? No, baseball came first
ME: ok I’m pretty sure sex came before baseball
In every scary movie an entity is always coming through a “doorway”.
I’m just sitting here waiting for a dope demon to come through a 90’s bead curtain.
*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*
[high]
ME: dude, NASA faked the moon landing
FRIEND: wait, u mean-
ME: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
love getting up in the middle of the night to make myself a little chaos snack. sure i’ll put chicken nuggets and cheese sticks in a tortilla. it’s 2 am god can’t see me here
[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding
I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now
Warring nations should hurl their politicians at each other.
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
Boss: you need to take a drug test
Me: not if you want me to do this job
*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.
DOCTOR: I have some bad news. You have HIV
ROMAN: What?!
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions at this time?
ROMAN: Yes, wtf is H4?
Started trying to hand out tiny umbrellas to neighborhood squirrels to help them beat the heat. So far, it’s a much bigger challenge than I thought.
Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?
Let’s see her walk backward.
Now diagonally.
Cha-cha real smooth.
I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]