confronts reality
pokes it in the eye
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Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”
Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.
Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark
You see me wildly flailing my arms. Did I:
a) Walk through a spider web?
b) Try to wrap something in Saran wrap?
c) Try to use Scotch tape?
I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.
I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.
dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.
ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it
me before getting into birding: OMG SHUT UP BIRDS IT’S 5AM
me now: OMG SHUT UP CAROLINA WRENS, INDIGO BUNTINGS, AND TUFTED TITMICE IT’S 5AM
I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.
All of the good tweets are either married or gay.
Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.
Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere
CNN: President Obama Saves The Life Of A Choking Child.
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working EMS Workers.
So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.
I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.
Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.
I bought myself one of those “off road vehicles” last week…
Paid $3000 for it, got it home and found out it was a Canoe!!!
[sinking boat]
CAPTAIN: ABANDON SHIP!
ME: *trying to climb back on board* there’s a band on ship?!
I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White
When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.
Parents to our kids: Honesty is the best policy.
Also parents to our kids: Pretend you’re sick and don’t tell anyone I held the thermometer to the lightbulb to get us out of this party.
You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.
If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.
Finished stitching this today 😇