me: there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for
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Tell me I’d look good in a potato sack or lose me forever
Just heard my son say to his friend “you’re probably dumber than your own controller” – what kind of child is my Xbox raising?!
At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.
“Daddy, why do I have to go to school?”
“So you don’t end up like me”
“What, awesome?”
“Alright fine, no school today”
“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”
-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other
“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals
Me: I’m so stressed
Heart: play some music you’ll feel better
Stomach: feed me cookies you’ll feel better
Brain: cut all your hair off
Me: wait what?
Brain: today.
how do lawyers not cry when arguing
Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.
shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch
[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied
Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly
*cooking dinner*
Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.
My 8yo had his hair styled nicely this morning so I asked what he put in it to look so good……and he said it was oil from the pan I roasted broccoli in last night.
You really can’t make this stuff up.
The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
Chinese military tactics are pure genius.
Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.
In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot
Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?
[Confessional Booth]
Me: My favorite sins are sins of the flesh.
Priest: FAVORITE SINS?!
Me: Why are you yelling? And gluttony, gluttony is a close 2nd.
Waiter: Any questions about the menu?
Me: Exactly how old are these ancient grains? I don’t want to eat anything that’s expired.
[phone rings]
“Is your refrigerator running?”
*looks over at fridge holding a lighter up to a spoon*
“I don’t know what he’s doing anymore.”
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.
I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers
Immediately pulled out of any TV show if there’s a bookcase in the background. “Why do they have two copies of Twilight Eclipse!?” I yell at my wife as she Googles divorce lawyers…
My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.
Salesperson: Hi ma’am can I help you?
Me: Yes, I am looking for a kitchen table.
Salesperson: Ok, but why are there 4 baskets of laundry behind you?
Me: I have to make sure my laundry fits on it before I buy the table. Duh.
Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.