So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”
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horse: these pants fit me perfectly
sales clerk: very good sir
horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs
sales clerk: *discretely* of course
A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.
That.
I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.
Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread
[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.
Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?
When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia
Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH
Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It’s like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.
Me: “I wish I was super hot…”
Menopause: “I got you, boo.”
Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.
Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*
I won’t say anything if you don’t.
*continues rummaging*
Sci-fi is when Wonder Woman fights villains from outer space, fantasy is thinking Wonder Woman will go on a date with you.
It’s pretty awesome that everyone at Chuck E Cheese knows me by name, even if it is because they banned me from coming back
if you become a ghost, don’t limit yourself to haunting houses. be the first to haunt a jellyfish exhibit! make a tulip your home and startle a bee. haunt a ball of yarn, get knit into a sweater. remember: it’s your soul that’s eternally damned, NOT your sense of style
“I’m usually closed off. But if you get close to me, you’ll find that I’ll really open up.”
-Automatic sliding doors
Pelican: OMG she is gorgeous
Water buffalo: Who?
P: That beautiful flamingo over there.
WB: Go talk to her.
P: She’s way out of my league, I don’t think I can.
WB: What do I always tell you Gary? You’re a Pelican…
WB/P: …not a Pelicant.
I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job
Why do meditation exercises always start by telling me to close my eyes? How am I gonna read the rest of the instructions?! 😆
There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*
“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”
Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you
i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot
FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
MICK JAGGER:♪Brown sugar…how come ya taste so good♪
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Sucrose ingestion causes a surge in the brain’s dopamine receptors