UK and US word differences
UK | US
Crisps | Guns
Chips | Guns
Nappy | Gun
Biscuit | Gun
Pavement | Floor Gun
Lollypop | Gun
Gun | Two Guns
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exactly 14 yrs ago today, I pointed at a beautiful woman & said “that’s the girl I’m gonna marry one day” but it turned out to be a lamppost
*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.
If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.
I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours
[staff meeting]
Boss: Does anyone have any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Boss: Candy
Me: Does anyone care if I take the last blueberry muffin?
[tv, watching a gymnast eat it on the vault]
Me (tripped over a slipper in the dark once): I know exactly how she feels.
I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.
Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn’t it
Aquarius: Someone will hack into your dating profile, but won’t touch a thing because they think you’ve already been hacked. You haven’t.
At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.
The two FIFA World Cup 2014 songs are Ole Ola & La La La.
Our linguistic evolution as humans never ceases to amaze me.
Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.
The Wicked Witch was only evil because of her awful sex life. Ladies, you’d be pissed off, too, if getting even a little wet would kill you.
Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
Some Things Never Change 😀
#archaeohistories
Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”
My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.
Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck
“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
*me filing for unemployment*
Unemployment office: be sure to call back between 11am-3pm as those are our hours
Me: so you’re only open 4 hours
Unemployment Office: yes any other questions
Me: yes how do I work at the unemployment office
[every game of Words with Friends with me]
Opponent: plays QUIZZIFY for 419 points
Me: plays POO for 6
I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.
If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.
Wizard: Give me a burger
Waiter: what’s the magic word?
Wizard: Abracadabra
Waiter: *now a hamster* I meant please, but ok
Obi-wan: You don’t have a shot with Padmé.
Anakin: Don’t underestimate my charm.
*stares at her creepily for the rest of the movie*
WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.