NOTICE: Drive thru weddings at the First State Bank from 6-10pm. Put $50 in the money drawer and out comes a marriage license and two rolls of Smarties. God bless.
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Queen: Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: Not exactly ON the wall
King: I said I’d do it at the weekend. Get off my back, Sandra
[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already
[Valentine’s Day]
me: *gets divorced*
[24 hours earlier]
me: *purchasing a heart-shaped potato* she’ll love this
[10:06pm]
13: Why is the ceiling in my room white? I feel like I’m staring into blankness when I’m in bed.
Me: Lay on your side and face the painted wall.
13: It sounds like you don’t care about my relaxing process and just want me to go to sleep.
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
peak technology
playboy: “apparently they just read it for the articles” [takes out all nude women]
every man on earth: “well this has back-fired massively”
Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.
your honor if it pleases the court i brought homemade brownies for everyone
[Doctors appointment]
Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*
My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses
Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
My dad just tried to lecture me about mountain weather conditions and what I should be packing for our five day hike. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CLIMBED A MOUNTAIN DAD? I’M 40 YEARS OLD AND I’LL PACK WHAT I WANT. YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME. GAWD.
*falls off log and dies
my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed
The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
[Grand Canyon]
*His screams echo as he falls to his death*
OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?
howdy. i’m a sheriff in this here movie or show. and if i see somethin startlin? well… best believe i’m takin my hat off at it. real slow
Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE
I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?
gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
it was a valiant fight
I noticed the trim on one of our garage doors was hanging weirdly. I figured no big deal as these are pretty old garage doors so I started to fix it…
5 yo: Mommy did that.
Me: Did what?
5 yo: She hit that with her car.
Me: Wow bro. Sold out your own mother.