Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
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The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change
I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.
You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.
Permission to use your hammer, your honor
It’s a gavel
Permission to use your gavel
Denied
*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*
Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”
Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.
i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.
Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.
I told my 5-year-old to play a new silent game, but she spent almost 30 minutes discussing about the rules.
Now we’re playing the Lets watch Cartoons game.
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
I don’t know what I just witnessed, but this guy was swirling his glass of wine so fast, like a washing machine on it’s final spin, that I asked if he could do my laundry.
No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.
“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.
How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?
“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome
The smallest amount of kindness can change the trajectory of one’s day. But on the flip side a good small pinch on the outside of the upper arm can also change the trajectory of one’s day.
All I can say is, choose wisely.
Wife: Can you turn on the crock pot?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of crock pot]
Wife: why for everything
JUDGE: We’re gonna give you 2 months in jail for the cat pyramid scheme and-
ME: [clearing my throat] Purramid scheme, your honor
LAWYERS: …….
JUDGE: On second thought, we’re going to execute you
A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”
I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.
[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely
If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating