Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?
Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot
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For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.
I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him
virus: humans are only worried about aliens destroying the world. they totally underestimate us😤
coronavirus: i got this
[later]
virus: so did you make them fear and respect us?
coronavirus: no they had a trip to disneyland they didn’t wanna cancel
i like how ppl mess with ouija boards then are all like omg why are demons trying to eat my soul like you did this to yourself bro.
My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
Him: who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy? You’re a good boy aren’t you yes you are
Dog: good god, Gary, how can you still not know?
Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary
Mom: But…how?
Cop: Maybe get a cab?
Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly. Should have taught them to do the same with people.
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.
You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year
Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
God: You get all the animals in?
Noah: Yeah except for the chameleons, they creep me out
*The walls turn red and start hissing*
Noah: Oh no
9-1-1 what’s ur emergency
“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”
Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?
Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now
Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.
Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
Widow: I remember how he always drank eight glasses of water a day
Guy at crematorium across town: WHY ISN’T THIS GUY BURNING
What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
When customers come in 6 hours before closing
Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year
Her: Umm…Where are you going?
Me: Walking the dog.
Her: When you get back, we need to talk.
* walks dog…returns 3 days later