Two ladybugs landed on me so I gay-married them, and now we’re being picketed by Westboro Baptist praying mantises.
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Hypothetically speaking if someone wanted to feed their enemies to a tiger where would I… I mean where would one acquire a vicious extra carnivorousy tiger?
I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?
Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.
Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.
“Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair!”
*A long strand of smelly hair falls out the tower*
“Screw this!”
most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet
By the age of 35, you should have seen off the threat of redundancy by using your control of your employer’s social media account to secure a pay increase.
I never eat spiders in my sleep because I hang a sign at the door to my mouth that says “I’m a vegetarian” and they know to leave
I accidentally threw garbage in the mall Public Library return bin with a large “Not Garbage” sign and before I had time to feel bad, my boyfriend yelled
AHA SUCK IT, NERDS!
and that’s how he gets the bestest sex.
Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble
I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.
Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
Just before bed my 1yo ever so gently kissed her baby doll, softly placed it in the oven of her play kitchen, and closed the door. I’d say big sister practice is going pretty well.
When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”
I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.
One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos
[during sex]
Him: are you on your phone?
Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it
Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.
*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.
Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.
It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.
Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
Thanks a lot bathroom doors with the gender written in weird symbols. I just want to pee, not solve a sudoku puzzle.
If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.
Always remember…. A mirror never lies.
(Fatty)
You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.
astrology is fake.
my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming