me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]
You Might Also Like
customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
me: sorry, we only take cash
manager: can I talk to you
Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE
Twitter is the new flypaper.
[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.
Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando
ME: My dog’s so happy I’m working from home.
DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today.
Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight
Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.
THIS HEADLINE
tour guide: here are the sharks
me: bitey boi
guide: …and over here, a swordfish
me: pointy boi
guide: get out of the aquarium
I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I’d say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.
Sarcasm so good, they think you’re being nice.
Last time I went trick or treating, a high school bully stole my candy. Later I heard he spent 10yrs in prison which is totally unbelievable because I didn’t press charges.
Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button
Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight.
[Date]
ME: I hope you like your wine dry
HER: But of cour- umm that’s just a glass of raisins
ME: *mouth full of raisins* it’s weally dwy
I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.
[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudgesMe: And how is my eraser?
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
Spiderman, Spiderman/
Does whatever a spider can/
Attends college/
Works as a photographer/
Just like a spider
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
This is my emotional support knife.
A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I’m like ‘Well, your Dad’s an alcoholic. Scram!’
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me
“Put that down, Alan! I told you those are for company.”
Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.
GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.
ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?
It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.
My 5 yr old tried to smuggle a baby duck home from the farm.
Like I heard non-human noises from the backseat & had to turn the car around, drive a mile back, & tell the farm people my daughter’s going to rehab for animal trafficking & no, I don’t want to keep a duck for $5.