It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
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We are the people our parents warned us about.
Nothing displeases me more than when a friend gets into a serious plane crash after I’ve specifically told them to have a safe flight.
This will never not be funny 😭
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!
Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.
The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.
My wife asked me to toast some bread for her. So, I raised my beer and said, “Here’s to bread.”
I might be drinking too much…
Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: oh no
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
There has to be a better way for smoke detectors to say hey, the battery is low. Currently, they strike in the middle of the night like a serial killer, playing a twisted game of which one of the seven in the house needs immediate attention, taunting us with its three chirps.
Dad-confession: it took me two pulls to get the mower started today. No one saw it, but I feel I’ve gotta be honest and accountable to all of you when I fall short.
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
Did I do this right
reasons white people riot:
1. their sports team wins
2. their sports team loses
3. no more tickle me elmos
4. tea
5. pumpkins
If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started
Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs
people who dress up for flights who’re you trying to impress? the clouds? the beverage cart? the boy in seat 12B with the perfect almond eyes and the windswept hair with the crooked smile and those perfect freckles peppered across his nose? grow up
dammit i HATE this slowass coffee machine [gandhi walks into breakroom] and not finding strength in my suffering. also hate that. mornin sir
lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.
me: what was the hearing for?
lawyer: WHAT?
me: the hearing.
lawyer: WHAT?
ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important
No wonder King Charles’s visit to France was cancelled amidst violent protests about retirement age legislation. A working 74-year-old royal just sends out the wrong message.
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
Secret Panel HERE 🤘
date: what do you do for a living?
me: i make trojan horses
date: that’s not what i’d expect
me: yah that’s the idea
Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.
Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.