Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
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i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
*texting with girls*
Her: I <3 you
Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3
Expect the unexporcupine.
Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99
*Beethoven & orchestra take stage*
HECKLER: (chanting) Ode to Joy! Ode to Joy!
Beethoven: –we’re gonna play some new stuff
HECKLER: boooo
I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.
“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”
-Trees
get you a girl who
I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.
Husband: Do you like it hard or soft?
Wife: You know I like it hard-parents passing taco shells on a wild Tuesday night
GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no
My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
We need more insane laws like New Jersey’s “can’t pump your own gas” rule. No tying your own shoes in Delaware. It’s illegal to make your own pancakes in Wyoming. Don’t even try to shear your own sheep in Montana. I dare you to blow up your own balloons in Tennessee
Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.
I’ve got 99 problems…
<snap>
98 problems.
<snap>
97 problems.
<snap>
96 problems.
<snap>BRB… I need to buy more mousetraps.
Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.
I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting
I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered
Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.
Why aren’t the people in old timey photos ever smiling? Because they were in constant danger of getting eaten by dinosaurs. READ A BOOK.
WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school
All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
Cop: Ma’am can you describe the panty thief?
Her: White male, early 40s, overweight
Me from the closet: Husky, I prefer to be called husky
I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs
Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social
My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.
Should I be alarmed?
This. Is. Not. A. Drill.
The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.
Countries whose names are lies:
• Chile – pretty warm
• Ivory Coast – it’s sand
• Greenland – nope
• Turkey – not a flightless bird
• United Kingdom