Always
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someone mentioned that the divorce rate is around 50% which is terrifying, cause the idea that I still have a 50% chance of being stuck with the same person forever scares the shit out of me
Hey, so I was working on an Excel spreadsheet and hit an unfamiliar function button and, long story short, now I am trapped inside it and all these numbers are mad at me
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
i like to flex on them by shrugging
Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.
check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad
How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
When you hire me, I should be able to make HR click an “I agree to the terms and conditions” button like installing software updates. A month later, they ask why I didn’t show up to work on Monday and I laugh and say “Looks like somebody didn’t read page 147.”
Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.
The big book of baby names but for safe words
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no
Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess
I’m willing to go through a weeks worth of training at McDonalds just so I can say “Have a great McFuckin day” to people until I get fired.
My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.
Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.
Him: Do you have any food in your purse?
Me: I call it my Snack pocket. My snocket.
Him: Not all words need to be-
Me: ALL OPTIONS SHOULD BE EXPLORED DO YOU WANT THIS Ziplock OF WARM BABY CARROTS OR NOT?
I get it, rotisserie chicken.
I hate it when people stare at me too
*shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*
Okay, let’s go to your stalled car and give this a try.
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
*practices like 1000 times in the mirror*
[at Starbucks]
“One grander none-fatty flaparinno”
barista: …
“I’ll try again tomorrow”
Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit
wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
When an object reveals that it has some biological similarities to you don’t get so hung up on that phrasing. To me as in we are alike? To me as in I am its recipient in an exchange? One of your aloof scientist deadpan friends has started to freak out about the garage sale.
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?