sorry but if you’re walking slower than me on the sidewalk, you’re my enemy. walking faster than me? also my enemy. now if you’re walking at the same speed as me… hmm yeah I’m thinking enemy
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what’s really going on
Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.
MYSTERY BOMBER: i have planted a bomb in your car. if you drive under 55 it will explo-
ME: *slams on brakes*
them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg
me: try harder.
Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.
Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.
Mom, who’s a physics teacher, accepts a challenge from her son, who’s a soccer player, to move a mini-soccer ball
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
Overheard in Dublin pub bathroom last night:
Girl 1: “My Ma is going mad that I’m out on Christmas Eve. She said to me: ‘it’s the day baby Jesus was born, and you’re out drinking’”
Girl 2: “Jesus was born ages ago, relax!
Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.
Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.
Boss: HR wants to see you
Me: What for?
Boss: Mandatory drug test
Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had
CEO: what’s the store layout
me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions
CEO: ok
me: cigarettes will be right up front
CEO: first of all I love it
Did I do this right
Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?
Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.
My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.
No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.
STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves
(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide
Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*
My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.
I strongly condemn the ritual sacrifice of children to Satan.
It is morally wrong and, in my experience, completely ineffective.
I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.
Me: *drowning*
My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!