Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.
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Every industry in the country, he lets put our products in these handy useful resealable ziplock bags!
Cereal & chip mfg companies, nah we’re good
i’m so vulnerable to nostalgia. the sun will go down and i’ll be like “wow…..remember when the sun was up……..i miss who i was then”
Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!
2: [looks at old photo]
Papa you have no beard?Me: That was a long time ago, before Papa grew one.
4: [looks at same photo]
This before Mama had one, too?My wife:
Me: [sighs] 4 years. You had a good run, son.
fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.
I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.
PRIEST: the child is inhabited by the same evil spirit we crossed paths with!
CHILD [demon voice]: DON’T END A SENTENCE WITH A PREPOSSESSION
You can’t stop your dogs from barking by yelling at them. They’re just like hell yes we’re all yelling now let’s all keep yelling this is great
I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.
I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.
fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber
[ first time mugging ]
me: gimme all your mash
him: did..did you just say-
me: mash. omg i did
him: lol
me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry
him: np my dude, take it from the top
me: gimme all your coney ope
Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.
*out for dinner with friends*
Me: I’m going to need 5 desserts and 1 spoon.
Waiter: Don’t you mean 1 dessert and 5 spoons?
Me: You heard me.
Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth
If sex doesn’t include peanut butter, a live mongoose, and my psychiatrist taking notes then I don’t want it.
Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints
Mints: you have beautiful eyes
Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary
Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over
We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.
me: do u take walk-ins?
morgue: what
Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he’s in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live