When I was in court I heard a Magistrate singing some Ed Sheeran, so I hired him for my Wedding.
But at the ceremony he did his own material and was terrible.
Which goes to show, you should never Book a Judge by his Covers.
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Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
When I’m nervous, I like to picture everyone naked. Then, I picture them fully clothed, with items of my choosing. It’s a very complex and fashionable coping mechanism.
Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?
If there was an Oscar category for ‘Best Female Taking An Imaginary Phone Call So She Could Hang Up With Her Mom’ I’d win that shit all day.
*train conductor after 15 minutes not moving* ladies and gentlemen you wouldn’t believe the amount of buttons im looking at right now
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.
You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.
Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.
*eating freshly baked cookies*
4: I want lots more!
Me: you’ve had a lot already… I don’t want you to get a stomachache
4: but *I* want a stomachache!!!
[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.
*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
Not to brag about how well my diet is going, but I just had to put a whole new hole in my belt.
Sure it was at the wrong end, but that’s still progress, right?
[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]
me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉
Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.
A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.
Trainer: Diet to hit your goal weight.
Me: Then what?
Trainer: Diet forever to maintain it.
Me: *heading to Pizza Hut* Nvm.
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.
She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.
Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
“Whoa nice car”
Thanks. I dropped 40K on a new set of wheels
[whispers to friend] “What kind of idiot spends $40,000 on tires”
I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn
Taking my roomba out back because I suspect it’s been reporting back to Bezos
WIFE: I’m pregnant
ME: oh god no
WIFE: I’m kidding
ME: I heard you the first time
100% of divorces begin with marriage.
The groom watches his bride slowly raise the hem of her beautiful lace gown in preparation for the garter game revealing a giant pair of shiny red clown shoes and suddenly the line about “in circus and in health” made perfect sense.