My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.
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Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
Matilda could move things with her mind and she could do it without getting a goddamn nosebleed, it burned absolutely no energy for her no matter how heavy the object, therefore she could absolutely destroy Eleven in a schoolyard telekinesis battle. In this essay I will
Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.
To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
Meanwhile in Paris.. 🙏
[plant facts!!]
bananas are technically berries
almonds are seeds
avocados are mammals
most cucumbers are haunted
potatoes aren’t even real
Help Wanted
Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
I started to cook breakfast and my 8yo hopped up to me and chirped, “I can make eggs.”
And then she did.
She made perfect scrabbled eggs.
How long has she been trolling me, sitting at the breakfast table pretending that she cannot even pour herself a drink?
You know what else is terrible these days? Quests. They used to be an epic journey to slay a dragon and save the local townspeople. Now it’s just trying to find organic chia seeds in Wholefoods.
I remember a story about a girl with a broken leg, and a boy who told her not to fight the pain but instead to gently ride its waves until she could actually see the pain far away beneath her, so she hit him with a rock.
Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
My doctor says I only have one diabete.
I’m sorry I don’t speak any English
-me when someone starts talking to me
Do you know where my mexican hat is?
– It’s somewhere bro..
Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?
I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.
No weirdos.
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.
Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.
“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news
I was getting my haircut during a trip to Vancouver when a fellow customer overheard me say where I lived.
“While visiting Japan recently, I recently met a guy from your town.”
I jokingly asked if it happened to be my friend, as he had also recently been to Japan.
It was.
Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.
I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.
*Rides unicorn to work*
*Gives Bigfoot hi-five*
*Chats with mermaids*
*Argues with Medusa*
*Gets called in to HR*
*Fails drug test*
Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.
cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in