Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”
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A Match(.com), but for socks.
me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi
I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy.
I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.
Relationship status:
I’ve put my ear hair in braids.
Get at me.
I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”
Anxiety: get ready
Me: for what?
Anxiety: Get ready.
Me: For what?
Anxiety: GET READY!!!!!!!!!
Me: Gah! FOR WHAT?
OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.
I don’t have a spirit animal. I have a judgemental chicken that’s followed me around my whole life shaking its head disapprovingly.
i have a lot to offer! most of it’s bad but it’s still a lot
[rubs lamp]
[genie appears]
genie: you have three—
me: incredible! i can’t believe my luck!
genie: seconds
me: what
genie: two
me: until what
genie (pulling out a gun): one
friend: the key to a good joke is misdirection
[later]
guy: hey can you tell me how to get downtown?
me: *barely containing my glee as i point him uptown* yeah go that way
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”
“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”
*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*
Day new couch arrives: No more food or drinks on the couch, I’m serious!
1 week later: *Kids are eating pancakes directly off the cushions*
[Bowling Alley]
“I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have any bowling shoes left”
*gestures towards a happy family of centipedes bowling*
Imagine being reincarnated as grass?
Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
Wait a minute—if the cat’s in the cradle, then where—
*baby in kitchen, pushing glasses off table while maintaining eye contact
my New Year’s Eve plans:
– sleep until 11:59 PM
– wake up to watch the ball fall
– practice writing 2024 a few times
– go to bed
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.
With me, it’s not PRIDE that comes before a fall. It’s half a bottle of vodka and a coffee table that I forgot existed.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.
Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.
What scares me most about being stranded on a desert island is having to figure out how to make all the ingredients for nachos from scratch.
This should not be this funny I am sorry😭😭😭
“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.