If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
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If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
I’m only seeing the new Jurassic Park if the dinosaurs aren’t a metaphor for anything. Don’t want to look at a stegosaurus and have to think about neoliberalism or the modern surveillance state
Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*
Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.
Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?
Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?
Oh my God.
*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*
Sir, you wanna box for those?
“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”
[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”
If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.
In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale
Dating Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: We’re so perfect for each other
Married Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: WILL YOU LET ME FINISH??!!
PER MY LAST EMAIL
son: “NO! Make me a sandwich like mommy makes it!”
I begin remaking the same sandwich, this time while drinking a bottle of wine and calling my sister-in-law to complain about my weight gain.
Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?
person texting me: hey I’m outside
me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON
Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.
Captain hook: hi do you have any quite big gloves? maybe a bit piratey, nothing weird
sales assistant: oh not you again
Cashier: “Sir, the toilet paper you’re buying goes on sale tomorrow.”
“COOL, I’LL CHECK WITH MY FAMILY TO SEE IF THEY CAN HOLD IT IN.”
Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.
Siri: Step over the dog.
Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.”
THEY’RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
“They wear tiny masks, sir.”
if you get famous on youtube you get ad money. if you get famous on twitch you get donations. if you get famous on instagram you get sponsors. if you get famous on twitter you get your tweets crossposted to every other social media with your @ cropped out
[CRIME SCENE]
COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon
[later]
Wife: pass me the rock sample bags
Me: I thought you brought them
I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows
Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.