Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.
Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.
*never gets laid again*
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I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.
I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.
white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery
I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.
Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.
The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.
Person: “Why are you wheelchair bound?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “To even the playing field for everyone else.”
If I ever meet Morgan Freeman:
Wanna just come back to my place and sit at the end of my bed and tell me a bedtime story?
Please. nobody has to know.
Handshakes should be banned. Touch our naked body parts together for all the world to see? Gross!
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal*
Her: smells great in there, and I hear you’re playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood
Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes
Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.
ME: I have an appointment for 1:30
RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?
ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you
*First Date
Her: Why are we at Home Depot?
Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.
Wife: oh honey, I didn’t marry for money, the guy I fell in love with had an easy smile, a sparkling laugh & big dreams. then I met you.
16: ‘What was it like when you were growing up?’
Me: *takes cell phone-throws him outside*
‘Be back at six!’16: ‘Wait, Dad I-‘
Me: *slam
[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out
I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.
I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.
“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
Fair play to the crow who visits the roof outside my window first thing each morning, and whose cawing has the exact pitch and rhythm as the reversing alert on the recycling lorry, sending me into a blind panic that I’ve forgotten to put the bins out.
Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:
Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sockThe End
Friend: Are you on social media?
Me, panicked: What’s a Twitter? Never heard of it. Nice foot clothes you’re wearing today.
Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in.
“What is this? It tastes like hair,” said one ungrateful child.
I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler
i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud