CAMEL 1: Hey can u hold this for me for one sec?
CAMEL 2: I would but I kinda have a lot on my back right now..
CAMEL 1: It’s one straw Marvin don’t be like that
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Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is
Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories
me talking to family:
▶🔘──────── 00:02me talking to friends:
▶ 🔘──────── 00:06me going through the Wiki pages for the Netflix ‘Popples’ series & live action Flintstones movies:
▶ 🔘──────── 1:54:28
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.
I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing
The Onion called it…again.
[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
Him: Yah, I like my meat rare
Me: Rare? Like, unicorn you mean?
Him: ……
Me: Our mom’s are friends, you have to finish the date
frog: kiss me, I’m a prince
her: ew gross
frog: you have a problem with frogs?
her: no, with the monarchy
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
can’t talk my ride’s here
Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”
Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”
Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”
Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”
I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you likeHER: I really get off on exhibitionism
ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.
My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.
“Ice, Ice, Baby, Vanilla, Ice, Ice, Baby.” – Worst cocktail recipe ever
ME: I want a normal night of sleep
MY BRAIN: Right… So, today, you’re gonna sleep from 1 pm ’til 4 pm & again from 9 pm ’til 2 am. Tomorrow, you’re scheduled for 2 hours. The next day is 19 hours which should make up for it but you’ll somehow feel even more tired after. Haha.
My children wanted to play restaurant and are very upset because I told them my place does not allow kids
My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”
Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.
There’s no such thing as a 10 second rule, with a 5 second dog.
Pee pressure > peer pressure
good for her