Tried arranging dinner out but AC changed eat to war so I arrived to find the whole family laying siege to this Taco Bell.
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Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.
*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”
client: i’m nervous
attorney: relax
prosecutor: the defendant is guilty
attorney: oh my god [looks at client]
client: what
attorney: you said you were innocent
[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?
I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.
It’s funny how fast small children lose interest in what you have to say when they find out you’re a paleontologist who isn’t an expert in dinosaurs. I’m showing you a mammoth arm bone, I don’t know what more you want from me!
[being buttered]
Me: are you sure about this
Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife
*spills wine on Ouija board*
OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T
ME: *moves pointer to NO*
when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first
Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.
I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a “cronut,” which is croissant/donut. We call these people “midiots,” which is a moron/idiot.
DENTIST: let’s get started, shall we? *places drill on tray*
ME: um
D: *places giant needle on tray*
ME: uhhhhh
D: *places handgun on tray*
I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.
Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”
Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana
Everyone talking about a baby boom in nine months can only be talking about first borns
The last thing anyone quarantined at home with kids right now wants is more kids
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.
Watch James Cameron’s spectacular vision to take 3 hours to tell a storyline that could’ve been an e-mail
…again.
(Now in theaters)
I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:
Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.
Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.
I gave up going to work for lent.
I used to be such a party girl, and last night I went to a concert that played until 11:30pm and I was fighting for my goddam life to make it
Only marriage can turn an incorrectly folded towel into an act of war.
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
After the tooth fairy didn’t show up for the third night, my 7YO hid a dollar under her sister’s pillow and said, “I’m so done with lazy tooth fairies”