Person at an event: oh hi, I know you from twitter
Me: …sorry remind me?
Person: *says his name, full job title, things we talked about*
Me: …er…?
Person: my profile picture is a banana?
Me: Banana!!! How are you?! So great to meet in real life!
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I have yet to interview a ham that didn’t end in sandwiches.
Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.
I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.
I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.
Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill
oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire
Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.
doctor: does this make you uncomfortable?
me: yes
doctor: and how about this?
me: yes
doctor: and what about this?
me: please stop kissing my mom
[On a date at a restaurant]
So this is nice huh?
“Yea,uh, who’s that?”
*Dad is breathing on the window and writing ‘VIRGIN’ in the steam*
Date: These lamb chops are great
Me: They’re missing something
Date: Like what?
Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste
[church fundraiser]
me: *takes out a $100*
priest: *eyes wide* bless you my child
me: aww thank you! do you have $99.50 in change?
Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.
*leaves social media, covers webcam with tape, installs encryption software, resets passwords, dons tinfoil hat*
Try and spy on me now!
*ad for Reynolds Wrap pops up in my browser*
SON OF A
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.
Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.
I was not prepared for the back-to-school chaos this morning. “GRAB YOUR LUNCHES AND GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!” was something I said. Along with, “Have a great first day sweethearts! I will miss you so much!” Being one of my kids must be so confusing. Mommy loves you but please go.
“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”
Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?
Diamond: rookie
BREAKING: Pot calls kettle “black”. “Racial tension at boiling point” says mayor of kitchen cupboard
[moving her panties to the side]
HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.
[First day as homicide detective]
* approaching murder scene *
Guys, I pass out at the sight of blood, so give me a heads up if you ……
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
My therapist after every session
On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.
*takes 5 more shots*
liver: wyd
brain: wyd
stomach: wyd
me to an ex: wyd
How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.