is there nothing we can trust anymore
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I’m all for the scientific method.
Right now I’m experimenting to see how much swearing makes other parents stop inviting you to things.
Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?
DREAM WEDDING IDEAS:
– my ex who is still in love with me attends & is dramatically sad
– grandma gets tipsy & I find out what REALLY happened to cousin Louise
– The bridesmaid I secretly hate trips down the aisle & the video goes viral
– there’s like a groom or w/e idc
My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion
Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.
“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”
Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.
I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.
72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.
“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.
I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.
It’s rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.
TOP STORY: Do websites create articles with lists and arbitrary numbers to get you to click through? Here are 15 examples you wont believe
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
me: when… when… when!
life: *continues grating*
I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.
It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.
I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.
My sister: You’re either going to die because you sassed the wrong person or petted a dog you shouldn’t have.
Me: Either way, I’m getting bitten in the face.
My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it
Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication
Me: Why am I not surprised
Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication
I haven’t been invited to my family’s Thanksgiving dinner since 12 years ago when I put pepper on my mom’s mashed potatoes without trying them first.
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.
Southerners don’t use contractions like “y’all” and “young’n” out of laziness. Most of us are just too poor to afford entire words.