NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.
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This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?
I remember one time I caught my ex talking to some dude in an indie band and was telling him she’s sad and she said something along the lines of “my boyfriend is a musician (me) and hasn’t once made a song about me or how he loves me” like bro I play the drums wtf lol
I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.
At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?
It’s not 13.
Jim: I’m totally spacing out on a word.
Me: OK
J: What’s that awful thing called…
M: …
J: You wake up with it after you drink?
M: Linda.
Once she realized I was chatting her up, the Kohl’s girl immediately indicated the extent of her interest: “My dad wears shirts like that”
a fairly underrated BARBIE joke is when someone calls her a fascist, and when she’s crying about it she says, “I don’t control the railways!”
movies are BACK
Tried this new Playlist in the car, on the treadmill, at my desk, but it seems the best place for me to listen to old Greenday is 1992.
All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
[learning to ride a motorcycle]
INSTRUCTOR: Again I need to ask whoever it is making the “vroom vroom” sounds with their mouth to knock it off.
[cabin rentals]
DESK CLERK: You want cabin #5 or #6?
ME: What’s the difference?
DESK CLERK: Mostly just the names.
ME: What’s #5 called?
DESK CLERK: “Eden in the Woods.”
ME: And, #6?
DESK CLERK: “The Bear’s Lunchbox.”
ME: I think #5.
DESK CLERK: Smart choice.
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
“So that pervert buys you “Grass” and then you let him play with your nipples?”
-Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.
I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.
Taught a lesson on fossils and dinosaurs today.
6yo: (raises hand)
Me: Yes? (Thinking: please don’t ask if I was alive when dinosaurs roamed the earth)
6yo: Did you ever get chased by a dinosaur when you were a kid?
Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.
The government is worried aliens will invade us but I’m worried the aliens will be sexy. I’m in my 30s. I’m ready to settle down. I’m too old to have a crush on someone living 6 or 7 galaxies away. Long distance is hard enough on the same planet. It’s just not realistic.
Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes
My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.
I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face
If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.
I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.
1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours
St Peter: welcome to the afterlife
me: damn… there’s more?
If you hear me using my son’s walkie-talkie in Target because I don’t have a phone right now, the polite thing is to take your cart to the next aisle before laughing