Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down
You Might Also Like
Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
OBAMA: I want to close Gitmo
GOP: no
OBAMA: But you haven’t even—
GOP: no
OBAMA: …
GOP: no
OBAMA: I’m resigning
GOP: no
OBAMA: haha gotcha
him : can you name the shapes?
me : sure. Sue the square, Trevor the triangle, Richard the rhombus, Harry the-
him : no I didn’t mea-
me : …Harry the hexagon
him: will you just st-
me : Dave the dodecahedron
I couldn’t help but wonder … is Russia trying to help everyone but me?
Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven
My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.
My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:
got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.
[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u
Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.
My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.
[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao
Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.
Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.
me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
[lights 2019 calendar on fire]
Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose
Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.
It’s the “roaring 20s” again so I’m going to take inspiration from the Great Gatsby and continue to not have read any books since high school
Silence is golden
But duct tape is silver.
I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”