This is hilarious….
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Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone
Below Deck sounds like a way of discreetly describing a condition to my doc
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
[Before the post office was invented]
SOME GUY: I need someone to deliver an important document
PIGEON: *simply existing*
SOME GUY: You seem trustworthy
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-
me: no
infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]
me: ok listen here
If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.
lmao i hate nyc corner dudes so much. rushing out this am to to the subway, I have on a big yellow (faux) fur coat…tell me why this dude yelled out, “go ahead big bird, looking fly!” 😂😭🐥
Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?
Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.
So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?
Life cycle of cat
I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes
Comic 🥺👉👈💗❤️🔥
Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*
this bad boy can fit so many waves in it
People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs
[cockroach crawls by]
Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?
*looks down*
*squishes it with shoe*Me: Not that one.
[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth
No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.
My girlfriend’s car got stolen today, so if you see a man driving a dark green Honda Civic, PLEASE tell him I left some Skittles in there.
Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.
Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.
If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo
some people wear bees as beards you say? well that seems pretty foolish to me because I have had only one bee on my face and it is terrifying
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?
*hears crying*
*finds baby in dumpster*
*sees large box full of N64 games*
*looks around*
“You didn’t see anything, baby.”
*takes box*