HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it
ME: [trying to impress her] I’ve murdered 7 pizza delivery guys
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[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
I used to think Calculus was confusing, then I read your last tweet.
[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
Detective: I’m gonna need an interpreter, who killed that man
Frat boy: bruh like straight up this dude low key swooped in here, yeeted his life away and skeeted
Interpreter: I can’t help u dude
I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.
I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”
I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.
Me: *turns on game
Wife: *turns on vacuum
Me: *turns volume to max
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Wife: *runs vacuum slowly in front of television
Guy: who was that?
Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote
Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?
Me: *considering sleeping in*
My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.
HER: I work for the Red Cross.
ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.
Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music
but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
Officer there’s nothing in my trun.. [hundreds of dead tamagotchis fall out. The younger cop vomits]
if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?
Free him
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.
“Your highness, an egg has fallen off a wall”
“Send all my men”
“But excellency I…”
“And all of my horses too”
“I don’t…”
“ALL OF THEM!”
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
professor X: what’s your power?
me:
professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.
Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that
Don’t just argue the point, continue the argument long after it’s over. Hold your ground. If they’re dead, don’t let them pull evasive maneuvers like that. Go to the cemetery, and yell at their tombstone.
Boss: I’ve been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise
*everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*
Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0