this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school
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People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.
Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.
age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home
age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.
Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
Wife: [eyes me suspiciously] have you been using my shampoo and conditioner again?
Me: [brushing my volumized, shiny, tangle-free, plumeria & jasmine smelling hair] no.
Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart
And bowling should be called pinball
I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face
Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?
Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer
One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens
My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”
Me (young, naive): I can’t wait to grow up and buy all the candy I want
Me (now): I’ll give you $100 to stop me from eating this entire cake
“Hi. Remember me?”
“Uh… yeah.”
“Remember we talked about you leaving the birdseed on the ground?”
“Uh…”
“Because I remember.”
“It’s cool. We’re cool. I can fix it right now.”
“I wouldn’t want to have to remind you again. That might be bad for you.”
*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”
Me: . . . and why’s it called Ireland, anyway? Are they irate because their patron saint was Scottish, and never actually drove any snakes out?
Priest: *grabbing mic* does anyone have anything to say about the DEPARTED?
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites
Middle Earth: Yay
Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]
Me: don’t talk to me till I’ve had my coffee
Waitress: …all I said was “what would you like to order”
Me: you’re doing it again
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me: oh I see the problem
[Carpool]
Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car
Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station
Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem
Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!
Vader: I AM your father.
Luke: Why are you telling me this now?
Vader:
Luke:
Vader: I need a kidney.
Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping
Word of advice.
If you forget to put on deodorant, sneaking into the walk-in freezer at work and holding your shirt up doesn’t solve the problem.
Also that creepy coworker will get even more creepier if you forget to close the door behind you.
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them: