[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
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INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t
Google: and you want to represent us?
Me: yes, I am very qualified
Google: our file says you searched “how to pretend to be a lawyer” from the waiting room
Me: overruled
Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
The guy who first said “hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil” was a genius, but the next guy who put it with monkeys, not so much.
*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth
Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.
what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks
The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*
I read that peacocks “are obsessed with food and can become extremely aggressive when you dangle french fries in front of them”.
See you all later. I’m moving in with my new family now.
Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
in a really good place right now!! (ordered something off the sandwich menu and it turned out to be a “toast” and i almost started crying)
Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana
I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.
NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR
*Do you wish to send?
*Are you sure?
*For real?
*Have you been drinking?
*Really?
*What time is it?~How my send button should function
i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet
The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”
Husband: How was your day?
Me: We’re all mad here.
Husband: Ok… how were the kids today?
Me: Off with their heads!!!
Husband: Are you quoting Alice in Wonderland?
Me: It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.
Husband: I’m on my way home.
Why does life keep trying to teach me patience? I don’t want to learn patience!
Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
just found myself walking around inspecting things in my front yard with my hands clasped gently behind my back, so my transition into my grandfather is nearly complete
trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card