“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.
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date: I’m an archaeologist
me: my career is also in ruins
[pulls out acoustic guitar at a funeral]
alright everyone stop being all [finger quotes] sad this next 1 is dedicated to a very sexy widow.
my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her
I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm
I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”
Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs
Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us
The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change
And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
Before kids I only had to take the trash out once a week, now I forget it once and A&E is kicking in my door trying to film an episode of Hoarders
I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.
My husband surprised me by taking the day off. I guess today is the day he finds out we’ve actually had a cleaning company for the last 5 years.
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.
I ran into a friend who asked how distance learning has been going with my kid. I whined about the horrorfest this morning (trying to teach 8th grade common core math.) I gave an example but my friend didn’t understand so I began explaining. Then it hit me I was teaching it AGAIN
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
no, archaeologists cannot determine a person’s sex purely from their skeleton. but they CAN determine if you regularly shot an english longbow, which is much more important.
I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.
“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.
That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?
The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works