Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
You Might Also Like
When a client says “I know people who can charge less”. Smile & respond “I know clients who can pay more.
Life is fair, people are not.
Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.
Me: *sends a pic of my bills*
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.
ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?
MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe
a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off
Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
We don’t talk enough about Nicholson’s competent axe technique in The Shining
You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider
[at wife’s funeral]
Son: At least shes in heaven now
Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don’t know shit about your mom
Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it
My toddler went down the slide and her performance was amazing flawless really, so I put my hand out for a high five and she ignored me in front of like 10 people and I don’t know how to handle that. It’s been 3 days.
Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store
My 4yr old daughter just charged me $47 for a fake cake she cooked in her pretend oven.
I laughed.
…
She stared at me until I paid her.
Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder
people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
Me: I’m going to start packing lunch to save money.
Also me: *eats entire lunch in traffic and orders takeout at noon*
QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS:
1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?
Executioner: Any last words
Me: No, I’m –
My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call
me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
@funTweeters just starred 1 of my tweets. It’s like getting a personal letter fr Jennifer Lawrence, & it asks if she can borrow some stamps.
Lisa: morning David
Me: who said that?
Lisa [sighs]: sorry I didn’t text you back last night
Me: is that a ghost? Because Lisa is dead to me
1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!
I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.