My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.
You Might Also Like
Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.
I don’t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGIFriday’s once a month and glue more shit to the wall no one notices try it
*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*
[trying to ride a horse]
ME: oh shit how do i slow down?!
GUY OUTSIDE THE SUPERMARKET: this is for children
I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment
[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]
I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????
Me: I need a doctor’s appointment
Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: No I don’t need that many
Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.
Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review
CREATION OF THE WORLD DAY 1
ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.
*awkward silence
GOD: We NEVER use that word here
waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.
I woke up because of birds chirping.
I wish I had wings too.
I would fly to each of these birds & choke them one by one.
6 am is too early.
I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
Idk y men go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need
You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*
LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…
( -_-)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Tell your friends”
What do you get when you stick three kids and two adults with full time jobs in a house 24 hours a day for 6 months and then add in zoom school? A toddler who walks around all day shouting “Oh Dear God!”, apparently.
Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life
Autocannibalism is self-serving.
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?