Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this
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Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
experienced cop: it’s ok kid, you get used to it
millennial rookie cop, retching near murder scene: the coffee you brought was not artisanal
[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
People overlook Dracula’s positive attributes. In his bat form, he eats mosquitoes and other unwanted backyard insects.
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭
It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.
23rd Century Scientist: We’re sending you to 1889 to kill baby Hitler. Four words: Stick. To. The. Mission.
Henry Ford: Yes, sir.
1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”
“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.
ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy
The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.
Have a lovely day 😊
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
WATSON: do you even have a proper education?
SHERLOCK: Elementary, my dear Watson
WATSON: but, like, beyond that
SHERLOCK: nah
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
I was so tired that I failed a stupid captcha test 3 times in a row yesterday & if that’s not human, I don’t know what is.
My daughter has a lovebird and we’ve never gotten them sexed b/c it doesn’t matter and ppl were seriously like “but then how will you know what to name it????”
My kid was like “uh their name is Toast”
If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
being a writer on Twitter:
her: and what do you do?
me: I’m a mail escort
postal worker: I won’t tell you again, I don’t need you following me everywhere!
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please
He works with his crew: Woody Flores, John C. Ling, Raisa Roofe, and their boss, Bill DeHaus.
1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM
“On this one particular day every year we put on different clothes and pretend we are someone else then we go to strangers’ houses and ask for stuff”
Aliens: WHAT