You know what I really like about you, girl? You’re really down to earth. *waits for response, nothing. Goes to next tombstone* You know wha
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“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…
I’m the guy who paints the murals of Venice and other Italian cities on the wall of every pizzeria in the tristate area and I know grapes aren’t that big man I just love grapes ok
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.
A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”
how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.
My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.
She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.
Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.
“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”
It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.
Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
“super-crunchy” is now a peanut butter you can buy at the store. the new innovation is we stopped making the crunchy peanut butter early
ppl have to stop making plans with me in advance because the me who agreed to the plans 3 days ago is NOT the same person as the me 30 minutes before the plans are supposed to take place
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..
Keep. Him. 😂
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”
Am I flattered when a man hits on me? Yes, but I also saw that same man whispering sweet nothings to a piece of pecan pie the other day, so not too flattered.
[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.
My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.
This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment
ME: finally a program for me