Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?
Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.
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captain: is there a doctor on this plane?? this man is having a heart attack
me: i have a BA in english
guy having a heart attack: that’s brutal, hang in there
Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.
My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.
fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths
Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.
I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”
the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.
Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.
she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October
I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.
*Scrolls TL*
Politics. Subtweet. Peen avi. Poor girl is constipated. Drama. WHORE. Stoned. Sexually frustrated. BOOBS!
*sips juicebox*
My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”
Her: I ran across a YouTube video called “Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person.”
Me: Did you watch it?
Her: No, it was 22 minutes long. I figure I’ll just take my chances.
My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.
[at the store]
Me: Your powers are weak, old man
Wife: …
Me: The force is strong with this one
Wife: …
Me: Together we can rule the galaxy
Wife: …
Me: Luuuuuuuke, I am your father
Wife: Can you just pick out a damn fan already?
When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.
Mugger: Give me your money
Me: Get ready to see some karate!
Mugger: Oh yeah?
Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist
Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs
The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.
Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.
It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.
Wanna buy something but can’t find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
Problem solved.
hm so saying “oh god” and “oh yes” during sex is acceptable and encouraged but as soon as i say “oh text RESIST to 50409 to support net neutrality” im suddenly ruining the mood??
I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.