*scampers over to ice cream truck*
Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.
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“I hope this makes them name a radioactive turtle after me” Michelangelo thought as he painted the Sistine Chapel “that would be hella rad”
My Face ID only recognizes me if I’m chewing now.
me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?
I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”
Wife: our toddler just hit me.
Me: hell no! I’m gonna teach her a lesson in manners.
[later]
Me: manners origins date back to the 1700’s and the French word etiquette, which is all about socia-
Daughter: I’m sorry.
Me: please don’t interrupt we have 320 yrs to get through.
Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.
Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.
Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died
Oooh honey, you were amazing last night. Can we do that again tonight?
Him: “… I slept on the couch.”
Mmmm yeahh
Me: Go wake up your mother.
Son: No way man…no way.
Me: C’mon…please? You’re her offspring…she’s less likely to harm you.
A fake ID that makes you younger
You have an IOS update.
Remind me later?
Install tonight?
Why not now?
Do you have commitment issues?
This might be why you’re alone.
While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.
It was pouring rain. As I walked into the store, my feet slipped & I slid toward a random man walking out. He had a huge bag of pet food on his shoulder. The panicked look on his face as he tried to decide whether to drop the bag & grab me or NOT was a like a whole Russian novel.
Me: Dad gave me a sip of beer when I was 6 and I hated it. It was really effective in helping me to not rely on alcohol when dealing with my anger issues.
Prison Psychiatrist: you killed 8 people.
Me: yeah but I was super Zen about it
fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms
If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
I offered my nephew a donut and he said “no thanks, I’m not hungry rn” and I don’t think this little shit knows how donuts work.
Whose idea was it to do this in 2020?? Archaeologists just opened a mummy tomb that’s been sealed for 2,500 years
*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”
got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity
If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.
I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.
[2018]
SON: I have the sniffles.
WIFE: Let’s get you to the ER![1986]
ME: I just took half my finger off with the saw!
DAD: Go get the hydrogen peroxide and a stapler.
ME: …
DAD: Grab me a beer on your way.
What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
dentist: lay on the chair please
me: ok
dentist: face up
No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.
Agreed to an “interview” by my 5y/o and her first question was, “What do you want for dinner and why is it tater tots?” and I feel like this is a hit job.