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Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues
bank: hello sir, we suspect some fraudulent activity on your account…a purchase of ten graduation caps?
me: *staring at my ten owls* interesting
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.
Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*
I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
“Dunkin’ donuts drinks have too many calories” ok stop. You are fundamentally missing the point of going to Dunkin’ Donuts
Ate my wife’s chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn’t like those but guess what guys they weren’t coffee flavored.
Me: My point is that every day brings fresh carnage, and there are new horrors around every corner.
Grandson: Read it how my mommy reads it.
Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call
me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.
[talks about how badass wolves are for 20 mins]
date: can we talk about something else?
[pulls out powerpoint on why wolves are badass] No
Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”
I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does
I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it
It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.
Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*
she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”
OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH
Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.
If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist
The worst thing about working from home is when you get on a customer call, the Amazon driver shows up, and you have a dog.
Don’t crossbreed an owl with a duck,
The offspring is naught but a schmuck,
You might start overjoyed,
But you’ll soon be annoyed,
By all the incessant wise quacks.
Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…
They’re stuck in your pants?
My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”
I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”
I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.