Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, “Please wear.”
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Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.
“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”
*shakes tambourine*
“Got any others?”
*shakes tambourine*
“Sounds a lot like the last one”
What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
Buzzfeed writer wanted. Must love current events, pop culture and have a Bachelor’s degree and a history of head injuries.
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
9 out of 10 dentists agree that Gary is the most handsome dentist. Gary voted for Brett because he couldn’t vote for himself
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.
[First Date]
Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
H:
M: Like to screw?
H:
M: Hey! Where are you going?
I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
A colleague suggested I clone myself so I can take on more work, but I don’t think it’s fair to ask my husband to put up with any more of me.
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
Him: Wanna see my prison tats?
Her: Ooh ok I like bad boys
Him: This one *lifts shirt* is of Alcatraz. It was built in 1934 and closed in
When I had to tediously pull one hundred and forty three bobby pins out of my wife’s hair on our wedding night, I probably should’ve taken that as a sign.
Ladies, if a man’s nice to you, it doesn’t mean he wants to sleep with you. It simply means he wants to marry you and raise ponies with you.
Over 7,000 people have reviewed celery
Why do people talking about legal matters use the term “in a court of law?” In the context of your very legal story, Karen, what the hell kind of court did you think I was imagining?
Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.
If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?
Because he had gnocchi
*quietly waits for the reply guys
This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.
“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children
*checking email on my phone while shoveling handfuls of sea salt and cracked black pepper potato chips into my mouth
YESSSSS! Finally got my unread emails to 100.000! Weird how there’s three zeros after that decimal point but whateve…
Oh
[Whole Foods]
Woman: MY COCONUT WATER BROKE!
*I drive her to the hospital and she names her first coconut after me*
What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.
Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.
Me: Can you take off the avocado?
Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.
“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.
If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.
I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.