Not sure why “Cats” didn’t work, it follows a classic 3 act structure —
ACT ONE: Cats introduce themselves
ACT TWO: Cats continue to introduce themselves
ACT THREE: Unclear
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*lights low
*her fingers tracing a scar on my arm
Her: How’d you get this?
Me: *softly I whisper* Are you familiar with Scrapbooking?
Person: “Why are you wheelchair bound?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “To even the playing field for everyone else.”
[emergency room]
NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?
ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts
WIFE: I hate you
The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.
The year is 2025. The few survivors of the great plague of 2020 roam the irradiated wastelands of the planet, singing Happy Birthday to themselves constantly. Nobody really remembers why.
When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?
I took my birthday off of all my social media accounts to see who remembered it. So I got messages from my mother-in-law, the place that does my colonoscopy, and the bank.🤣
If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’
Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not
Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.
I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.
When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?
I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.
Maybe jesus needs me in his life
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
WIFE: good news hun we’re up this quarter.
ME: oh yeah? How much?
WIFE: *holding up a coin* this quarter.
Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.
SON: mommy I’m scared of the bogeyman
ME: there is no bogeyman honey
SON: he’s not real?
ME: oh he’s very real. but I hunted him down years ago
SON:
ME: there was so much blood
SON:
ME: [whispers] his head is in the basement freezer
I bought one follower just to see what it was like and he showed up at my job and his name is Eddie and he’s kind of freaking me out guys.
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.
What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my bed again.
“the moon is made of cheese”
You’re an idiot
“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 😏”