“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato
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Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.
Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads…Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators.
Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this
Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords
If you startle me, I blow up like a puffer fish and roll away.
People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”
My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can’t stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.
My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Coke: everybody cares to ask about Pepsi. Nobody asks how I am
*coke storms off angrily*
Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no
*on a first date*
Me: I’m in financ-
Her: oh finance that’s cool
Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt
Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: It’s a surprise!
Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn’t you?
Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.
I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back
*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.
I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.
I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.
[first Captain to go down with the ship]
Captain: are you sure this a thing? I feel like this isn’t really a thing.
Crew: [already rowing away in the lifeboat]
DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking
Me: I like the funny horse cartoon
Bojack: you inherit your parents’ trauma but you will never fully understand it
Me: haha the cops a cat
Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
Dad: *getting grill ready* I need some lighter fluid
Me: *ties a balloon to his drink*
Dad: *sniff* I’m so proud of you
6-year-old: Santa’s not real.
Me: That’s right.
6: So I can be bad.
Me: That’s wrong.