I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
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I just learned that dentists can actually smell your fear.
I only wish that I weren’t learning this from the dentist who’s lurking outside my window
I am interested in:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive
Her: your SO annoying!
Me: you’re 😐
Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.
Welcome to middle age.
Don’t bother looking at the weather forecast; your joints will let you know when it’s going to rain.
i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus
Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up?
Me: Yeah.
Wife: Good.
Me: Why?
Wife: No reason.
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Here, taste this.
[deathbed]
ME: Dear?
WIFE: I’m here…don’t worry, all your affairs are in order
ME: You found out about my affairs?
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £2.00
A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £2.40
A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2.15These are the pie rates of the Caribbean
First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again
At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]
I read a news article about a guy who bought a golden egg for $13k that turned out to be a Faberge egg worth $33 mil. Those kinds of lucky stories would never happen to me. There will never be a news story that says “Man finds lost Rembrandt painting inside bag of Doritos”.
Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.
Me: Throws holy water in her face.
*Neighbor melts
Me: Not today Satan.
Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.
I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.
Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.
Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?
*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*
A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .
Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.
*sends epic tweet*
[no likes 3 hours later]
*waits 2 weeks, sends again*
[no likes 1 day later]
*starts typing*
NSA: dude, let it go
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Let he who is without stone come down to Steve’s Stone Supply, Exit 13A off the NJ Turnpike.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
Watching the Flintstones and the Monkees as a kid gave me an unreasonable expectation that I would be spending a lot more nights in haunted mansions to inherit my kooky dead uncle‘s fortune.
Don’t you hate it when you misjudge a moment of silence and lean in for a kiss.
Worst police interrogation ever.
The 9 circles of hell:
9) limbo
8) lust
7) gluttony
6) greed
5) anger
4) heresy
3) violence
2) fraud
1) shopping on Black Friday
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.