A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
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Me: Ooh… This is a Kodak moment!
Son: A what?
Me: I want to get a Polaroid.
Son: A what?
Me: You sound like a broken record!
Son: A WHAT?
When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.
SURGEON: *cutting open patient’s torso*
NURSE: sir, what are you doing?! this is a knee replacement!
SURGEON: there’s a Pokémon in there
I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.
[Hunting Robots]
Me: You a robot?
Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*M: Hm. That checks out.
Bartenders are just boneless bars
My work here is don’t.
which auto response should i send back to my dentist?
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
My mom was right. My face did stay this way.
Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.
Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America
Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Shit” and a one and a two
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.
me: i have an imaginary gf
therapist: u can do better than that
me: i know, it’s just–
therapist: i was talking to her
Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam
All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”
I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
AN END TO AUTO-CORRECT ERRORS!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
COW!!!!
if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.
“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*
It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy
I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.
i smell a pulitzer
I clicked on one of those DM messages
And now it burns when I tweet