Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]
You Might Also Like
Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?
i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?
[cat clinic]
DR. CAT: What seems to be the problem?
CAT: Me-ow
DR. CAT: You need to be more specific
Thanks autocorrect…clearly “I am fantasy” is a better answer than “fantastic” when asked how I’m doing…
Staples is attempting a hostile takeover
of its rival Office Depot.Office Depot has retaliated by
snapping rubber bands at Staples.
*GF walks in dressed up
“Who’s the babe and what’ve you done with my gf?”
GF: Haha
*tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold
WHERE IS SHE
What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
I picked up & ate a huge piece of baklava at a coffee shop while standing at the register because I thought they were free samples. I chowed down on that thing in silence while the cashier just stared at me.
Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song
16: I hate old people.
Me: That’s where you and I are different.
16: You like old people?!
Me: No, I hate everybody.
HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?
ME: I don’t think that will fit me.
Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.
I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, a monkey, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
Someone in this marriage has to be able to smell natural gas leaks and since *someone* had a lab accident I guess it’s going to be me.
if you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a videocamera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out
Did you know that if a unicorn and I were to race the unicorn would likely win cause unicorns are about as real as my desire to race anything?
Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…
Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up
Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.
Me: ’til death do us part
Her: ’til death do us part
Death: *cracks open beer* Imma watch them suffer a while
people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice
i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before
‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’
–Me, every 45 minutes
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“To compliment my hair?”
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] Maaaaybe.
A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin