Double negatives are never not confusing.
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All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy
Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
Welcome to Starbucks how may I help you?
“Regular coffee with cream please”
That’s $40, 5ml of unicorn tears, and 10 dragon scales.
“TEN?”
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.
Hey dude, can i borrow your laptop? I want to shop for a new computer but it feels cruel to do that on the one I’m replacing.
Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]
Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?
Host: What’s your friend’s name?
Me: Wikipedia.
SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH
Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe
USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks
u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap
My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
WIFE: Not your eyes! You dont have to prove it anymore
GUY WHO CLAIMS HE PUTS HOT SAUCE ON EVERYTHING: *thru tears* I made a commitment babe
this girl I went to college with got super hot and married a rich guy and lives overseas and doesn’t work and does triathlons for fun BUT her fitness insta only has 200 followers and I have 8,000 on Twitter just by being lazy and depressed so, in your face Mandy who’s winning now
Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good
Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda
My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.
If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.
I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.
People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it
If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”
Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger
Me: ready to visit grandma?
Toddler: YAY GRANDMA! why is momma crying?
Me: she’s getting ready to visit grandma too.
A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.
My 4-year-old asked for hot cocoa, but wanted me to put it in the fridge to cool off before he drank it.
I said, “So you basically want chocolate milk.” His look said, “Don’t even think about it.”
[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL
There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door
Me: *facepalm*
CDC: Stop that.